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How to Confront Someone Who's Giving You the Silent Treatment

Edited byKrystle C. and 39 others

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Are you getting the cold shoulder, but you don't know why? Is someone who's normally eager to speak to you now keeping your conversations to the bare minimum? This can be hurtful, frustrating, and confusing. Here's how to confront the person who's ignoring you without making things worse.

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Initial Steps

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   Make sure you're not just being paranoid.Sometimes, it's not about you at all. Perhaps he or she is being quiet because someone in his or her family is ill or is having personal problems. In this case, you shouldn't take it personally. Perhaps back off a little and leave some space. However, withdrawing from friends can be a feature of depression, so sometimes reaching out may be exactly what your friend needs. But if you notice that this person is only acting quietly towards you and not towards others for an extended period of time, then you may have reason to be concerned.
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2. Examine if this is a pattern. Has this person done this before? Does s/he try to control or "punish" you in other ways? If so, ask yourself whether this is a relationship you want to maintain. See How to Recognize a Manipulative or Controlling Relationship.
3. 3
   Question your own behavior. When did the silent treatment start? What happened that day or in the days just before the behavior changed? Could you have done or said something insensitive? Try to understand what could set off the silence. Narrow it down to a few possibilities and try to think of ways you can fix the situation.

Confront The Person

1. 1
   Rehearse what you're going to say. You want to feel like you said what you needed to say, so plan it ahead of time. It's easy to get nervous or defensive, or to come off the wrong way if you aren't prepared. Close your eyes and imagine you're alone with this person and say out loud what you want to say. Listen to the way you make your statement and adjust your tone if need be.
2. 2
   Speak in private. Speak to the person when you're alone and are unlikely to be interrupted.
3. 3
   Test the waters with humor. If the person is just in a bad mood, you might be able to lighten the mood with a little bit of playfulness.
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   Begin by apologizing. If you believe you did something to offend or hurt the person, even if you're not sure what it is, Say something like, "I'm so sorry if I've done or said something stupid to you." This is one of the few times where it's okay to use the word "if" while attempting to apologize.
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   Say that you value the friendship. Use statements like, "I've really enjoyed spending time/working with you." or "Please help me out here, because I appreciate your friendship so much."
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   Express how this makes you feel. The cold shoulder is painful to the recipient. Let this person know that you do sincerely want to work things through, but if that's not going to happen in the near future, you may not continue "volunteering" to be frozen out.
   • Example: "It really hurts that you're shutting me out, and I wish you would talk to me so we could put this behind us. If this continues much longer, I'm going to need to stop waiting and just assume that you do not want to be friends anymore. I don't want to do that, which is why I'm telling you now."
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   Pay attention to your tone. If you did do something to start this, you want to make sure your tone doesn't indicate that you think s/he is being overly sensitive or is acting stupidly. S/he, after all, may feel hurt in some way, and a snide or patronizing tone will only make things worse between you.

After The Confrontation

1. 1
   Be open to whatever they have to say. Let him or her know that if there's a problem, you're all ears. It's important to know why s/he is giving you the silent treatment. Moreover, people want to know you understand what you are apologizing for.
2. 2
   Offer to walk away. After all, a silent treatment indicates that he or she no longer wants to speak with you for whatever reason. If you have tried to discover the problem, but s/he won't share or discuss the reason, there's not much else you can do. At this point, ask directly, "So you just don't want to work this out? You don't want to talk to me or be friends any more?" If the answer is yes, s/he wants you to leave him or her alone. If s/he says no or that she isn't sure, then say something like, "Okay, well, since you're not ready yet, take some more time. I'm here whenever you feel ready to talk again." Leave the burden of calling or initiating contact to them, so that they can have the space and time that they need.
3. 3
   Try only once. This can be the hardest part - after you have apologized and attempted to understand what is going on, you have done your part. Now, it is up to the other person to step up and begin communicating with you. If s/he does not, that is their decision. You cannot fix this without cooperation from them.
4. 4
   Pat yourself on the back. Confronting someone takes courage and you've handled it as best as you could! No matter what the final outcome is, you faced up to a problem squarely, made your best effort to resolve it and accepted the result.